Sometimes I wonder if I can just be real. As in genuinely write the exact feelings I am having and the way I process them. See, most of the time I leave out some of my worst thoughts or the most embarrassing comments that I actually made and cut to parts that were more reader friendly. Well, today I have decided to be more transparent than ever before. Not because I desire for you all to see how ugly I am just because I have a feeling some of you might relate a little better if I don’t spare you the details of the story. So… Yesterday my husband left to go to our daughter’s volley ball game in Reeds Spring. I did not go. Not because I didn’t want to, I love watching her play! I did not go because we have to strategically plan our trips in our vehicles based on how much gas money we have until the next payday. See, we don’t all fit in one van. Well, we do have a van that we all fit in but I broke it. Well, I think it was already on the verge of breaking but, anyhow there’s something wrong with the linkage in the gear shift, or something like that, and it is stuck in the drive way, won’t start, and won’t go in neutral to even push it out of the middle of the drive way. But, we are still making good use of it. I’m currently storing several donations for Amanda’s Place in the back! So, I along with half of our children stayed home from Kylie’s volley ball game. That sucked.
The next part of this day was worse. Steven had to go to work at this home show fair thing for his job. That’s not so bad, but he took part of our kids with him and I was planning on meeting him later with a few more of our kids just to get out of the house for a little while. [mainly because it was free and free is good!] So, I got ready and got the kids ready that were privileged enough to make the cut and we headed out the door, buckled car seats and seatbelts and backed out… all the way to the end of the drive way before we ran out of gas. Back in the house we went with some sad faces and a fit throwing 3 year old that had her heart set on seeing daddy. That sucked, too.
So, we spent another day at home. But that’s okay because we are used to that. We do it a lot these days. Our children are usually good entertainment. They watched TV, did homework, played outside, fought, colored, and read books. For the most part it was a quiet day. I called Steven to see what his plan was to feed the kids he had with him since he didn’t plan on having them with him all day. See, the plan was that I would take them home when I left the fairgrounds but since I never made it there, well, he now had 4 mouths that would more than likely demand food by 5:00 or so and he didn’t have the money to feed them. He said that Kylie and Gracie had found some exhibitor’s lounge and had been taking advantage of the free snacks and drinks! That was cool but it did suck a little that they didn’t have dinner. Oh well. So, I made dinner, the kids at home with me ate and eventually Steven and the kids he had with him came home. The kids ate the rest of the beef stew and my husband ate a triple decker bologna and cheese sandwich with mustard. That sucked because it stunk! I hate mustard, I hate bologna and he ate it right next to me. Eww. Seselie even thought so. She tried it and spit it out in her hand.
Well, having a quiet day that kind of sucked allowed my mind to wander. I was feeling defeated, mostly. I began thinking of all the things that kind of suck. There are a lot of them. I am just being honest here. And don’t start pointing out all the things that don’t. I know they are there, I do. But I am human and I hurt and feel just like every one of you. So, I got discouraged and started feeling backed into a corner with my circumstances , yet again. Then all the little normal life things started to really bother me… the bickering of the toddlers, the bickering of the teen agers, the constant need to tattle about everything under the sun, the desire of my 3 year old to be stuck to me like glue and demand every ounce of my attention, hearing my 2 year old yell out to everyone his new favorite word [JERK]. You know, the normal mom stuff. But at this moment I had decided I was done hearing this crap along with the real life problems rolling around in my head. I put the 2 year old fitter in bed, put a movie in for the younger children, and threatened my older children to make themselves busy – quietly. I informed my husband that I was leaving and did not know when or IF I was coming back. Problem was though, I did not have any gas in my van, no money to go anywhere even if I did, and WHERE WAS THERE TO GO? I sat down on the couch and here came my attachment, otherwise known as Seselie. She asked if I was going somewhere. I told her no. She asked if she could have the keys and go with me. I let her know I was not going anywhere and she said to me, “well, if you do, you have to come back because your family is here.” Hmm…. I didn’t go anywhere. She climbed up on my lap and we cuddled until she fell asleep. At this point I didn’t want to go anywhere anymore. I just wanted to go to bed.
So, this morning my husband asked if we could talk. We went out to the van [the only place where there is any real privacy]. In a round-a-bout way he shared with me that he felt like he had failed me, failed our family. He no longer had this higher paying job that kept him away from his family but he felt that was a huge mistake. He feels he has failed us. He feels like I just hate this life and am disappointed in him. Wow, what kind of wife have I been? How could I let him feel this way? That wasn’t it at all. As I looked up at him with my eyes burning hot, and my insides shaking with guilt I literally sobbed out to him to following:
I don’t hate my life. Here is what I hate. I hate that we always do the right thing, always take the high road, always trust God, always put our kids first no matter what. We are honest, we teach our kids to serve God, we do the things we feel are in the best interest of our family and it seems like it just doesn’t matter any more. I hate knowing you are a good man with integrity and so much to offer in life but most of time it goes unappreciated by others. So what that we are honest. So what that we take the high road. All the negative things seem to win lately instead. What are we really teaching our kids? They know that most of the time they do with out. But we are honest. They know that it’s a struggle to even meet all their needs let alone their wants. But we are teaching them to trust God. They get the benefit of having dad home every evening and being part of their lives every weekend, but do they recognize that as a blessing or just that it makes it tough to make ends meet due to the pay cut? I know that God is there. In fact, I know he is near and I don’t doubt that he is watching out for us because I can’t even phantom how things might look right now if he turned his back on us. But it still sucks. It just does. I don’t hate my life, I just hate that there is little to no relief right now from the on coming traffic. I feel like we are just one breath away from going under for the last time and I don’t know how to change it. I love you. And I love sharing my life with you. I just don’t know how to keep going like this with no answer. I have this fear that the change, at this rate, will not be one we can handle. If things changed slightly right now we could lose our home, our vehicles, even some of our kids for God’s sake!
And with that, we went in the house. It was time to get ready for church. I told Steven I felt like just going to church just like I was, in my pajamas and flipping off everyone that asked me how I was. But wait, someone might judge me because I didn’t get dressed! [remember, I am only human and don’t tell me you’ve NEVER thought things like that. You just aren’t willing to share them publicly and I am] I chose to make myself look more presentable on the outside, but the attitude was still pretty obvious. I am very transparent, I’m told. So in to service we went. I didn’t flip any one off. I know better. First worship song, We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the WORDS of our testimony. Pastor Brandon shared during worship that no matter what our story was not to be ashamed of it. It was what God was using to reach others. This is my story, this is my song. Praising my savior all the day long. Today’s message was shared by Pastor Jason , Fresh Start – [Pastor Chad got offered Chief’s tickets and obviously took the offer!] Once again, God reached down and got right in my face with this message. The bold part is the message at church today and the rest is my thoughts.
Don’t be afraid. When you go through the deep waters, I will be there with you. When you go through deep rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. (Now, how did He know I said that this morning?!) The Godly walk with integrity; blessed are their children WHO FOLLOW THEM. (my children will follow me and if I don’t walk with integrity they will not know how either) Have you experienced so much for nothing? Surely it was not in vain, or was it? (God is preparing me for my future and what I am going through is necessary to shape and prepare me for my purpose and his plan) Refocus. Are you in the word and meditating on it? (Well, I’m reading it. I know it. But meditating on it daily, moment by moment, even when the day sucks? No, not really) Don’t be conformed to the pattern of this world but rather, transformed by the RENEWING of your mind. (Hmm. Well the pattern of this world is to panic, fear, and throw in the towel while complaining about how you should’ve, would’ve, could’ve. I’ve seemed to do that a lot the past couple days. Why can’t I just get it, God?) Now, this last part is what really spoke right to me, right where I am ugliness and all, doubtful, discouraged, fearful, defeated, tired of being tired, waiting for that answer, that victory, that relief…. I am the Lord, YOUR Holy One, Isreal’s creator and King. I am the Lord, who opened a way through the waters making a dry path throughout the sea…(referring to the miracles that had taken place to set his people free, and deliver them from slavery and even destroy their enemies) But, forget all that- it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something NEW. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?(Well, not really God, because I’ve been allowing my doubt to be bigger again. Why? Why do I let my fear and doubt hide you? I’m sorry, again. My story must be meant to help the biggest doubter in the universe and the biggest worrier ever born, huh?) I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. (My wilderness, my wasteland is the unknown. The only thing I KNOW right now, God is you will never leave me or forsake me. You are here with me and you just keep preparing me. So if the preparation is taking this long it can only mean one of two things…or both: I am a SLOW learner OR the plans you have for me are GREAT! My story will inspire many to trust you and know you in a unique and real way. You will reach thousands by my testimony and the victories of my family. And not just me but my husband, my children, my grandchildren, and their children too. You will not be lost to them. They will hear of your miracles and not be the lost generation that does not know your love or your mercy. I will not take it lightly that you are by our side and have our answers no matter how long they take. Situations will not define us. For YOU are the Lord OUR God and your plans are to prosper us and not harm us. We will not be conformed to behave like this world that behaves with doubt and fear but we will walk proud with integrity and know that you are always faithful to your promises. I will speak of the things I do not yet see and will not allow your plans for me or my family to suffer because I got caught up in the circumstances that won’t matter tomorrow. Your word is my guide. Not my feelings.)
Yep, that all went on in my head today as I sat through service and I couldn’t wait to get home and share it with you. Whoever you are, if this applies to you, let it changed how you view your day. And if it doesn’t, because you learned this quicker than I did, share it with someone who is stuck in the deep end feeling like their next breath is their last….
(and to my husband… You have not failed me, or us- but I have failed you. I love you. I love us. I love our life. And God’s got this. He has to, because I know WE don’t)
Blessed in the Mess 