If you read my last blog it explained where I have been. Embracing my past has been a difficult process, one that I feel God is still helping me with. Anyway, God has been real to me my whole life. He has dealt with me in a way unique to me. He knows me, and I know Him. I can even look back to when life was simpler and recognize when God was revealing something to me and I thought it should be more complicated coming from GOD. But he is not complicated. He is real, he is constant and he is direct.
I remember a night, several years ago, that I was alone, the kids were sleeping and I was writing. I had been going to a women’s bible study and we had been talking about marriage. I sat and listened to many women brag on their spouses, many nag about theirs, and others that were doing a little of both. But it still seemed to me that they all had something in common. They were happy. They were content. They were “doing it right”. I used to wish that my biggest complaint was that he forgot to take out the trash or didn’t put his dirty underwear in the laundry basket! I zoned out a lot during those meetings because I felt out of place. I loved the company and I loved the food but I longed for the day that I could share about my marriage the way they did. So this night as I wrote it was raw and coming from brokenness. I wrote:
I desire intimacy, vulnerable truth. I want to be myself with NO guard up. I want a best friend who knows me and knows my heart. I want to never question intentions. I want purity. I want to just want to be in each other’s company, to enjoy our time together. I want unity with no limitations or expectations. I crave acceptance, compassion, generosity. This is my heart’s desire. More than wanting this for myself, I want to GIVE this back and not have it taken for granted.
It seemed unreal to truly have that. I knew other people said they had that but in the damaged state of mind I was in, due to my circumstances, I believed they were just putting on a front. I thought it was just fake to hear people say that they were married to their best friend, they loved each other’s company, they hated being away from each other, blah, blah, blah. But, I still desired it.
That is where I am now. After many years of brokenness, prayers, and not understanding how God would ever turn anything I was experiencing into a beautiful picture, he has amazed me. He has given me my “Adam”- my soul mate. He created Steven for me and me for him. We just took our own paths for too many years painting our own picture until one day God stole the canvas and began creating his masterpiece with brilliant hues and scenery we’d never have experienced had we continued using the water colors we were used to.
I have not lived up to my writings and for that I am ashamed. I vowed to give that back and I feel that I do, however, I am guilty of taking these things for granted too often and this is an area that God is dealing with me about. So, Steven, I apologize and I will do better.
God has granted me the desires of my heart just like His word says. My desires line up with His word and He is faithful to deliver. I am in a God honoring marriage and we, Steven and I, are unified with His blessing and have vowed to raise our children according to His word. We respect His word, we accept His guidance and we lean on His truths to see us through. We realize that God has a plan for each one of our children and that He is molding them into the person He designed them to be. We guide them, love them, and teach them but above all we give them to God and strive to stay out of God’s way as he shapes them. It is difficult. But we have to remember that having a mind set that our children should behave “like us” is wrong. They are individuals and God has their best interest at heart. I am blessed to have a husband that recognizes that and stands firm with me as we raise our family.
We are not “there” yet. I don’t believe any Christ follower is ever “there”. We are constantly learning, falling, questioning, trusting and growing. Our picture has become panoramic and God adds something to it daily. We have faced and are facing battles that only God can win. What Steven and I know without a doubt is that God has called us to reach out to the broken. Being broken is not such a horrible thing. I have learned that in my brokenness God has been able to build me back up stronger than before because he used His ways not mine. We are both in a position now where we can truly relate to families that have gone through divorce, dealt with a spouse with an addiction, trusted God to renew and restore a child/parent relationship, handled absent parents and the effects it has on children even into adulthood, blending a family, foster parenting, adopting, and many more family related issues. We certainly aren’t claiming to be experts on any topic but we know that God has called us to reach out. He has a place for us in this world of hurting families, if only to relate, offer support and pray together. God is in the business of restoring lives but he needs someone to be his hands, his feet, his heart, and his eyes. We feel we are called to be just that in the area of families; blended or not, Christ followers or not, traditional or not, just families. God loves them all and desires for them to be whole and successful.
I am content but seeking. I am whole. I am willing. I am ready. I am confident that God has the “it” that I’ve been praying for right around the corner. Together, Steven and I along with our children are called to be set apart. To demand that Satan has no power over these lives we have been given by God. To rise above the statistic of “broken families” and live whole-heartedly in the light of Christ. To never allow the excuses of a generational curse to become bondage. To face the battles in a Godly way and never give in to the world or its expectations of our “blended” family. We are different, we are unique, and we are adopted by God, all of us. He has great plans for each of us and we were destined to be a family. I know this, I believe this and God continues to prove this.
My past has prepared me for my present and my present is shaping me for my future. I am excited to see how God pieces this all together. I am certain that from our twelve children God will have some mighty warriors, overcomers if you will. Wow, what power they will have! They are world changers. What Satan meant to harm us, God has and certainly will use it for good and to His glory. So where I am now looks kind of like this:
I am in awe. Totally in awe of how involved God has been in every single day of my life, every event. I trust God. Because of my past I have confidence that He holds my future and is involved in my present. I am ready to move forward into a greater plan. I am able to help, I am on the other side. The situations I’ve faced have now allowed me to bless others. I am expecting great things. And I am genuinely living the prayer I cried out to God so many years ago. I will steal this quote from Pastor Chad because it’s a good one: This is a year of GR8R things! And we are ready.
Blessed in the Mess 