Never Tell… Until You’re 30!

I have some pretty awesome sisters. They are my best friends. I’m sure though, that our mother had her moments when we were younger that she wondered if we’d ever quit fighting and just get along. All siblings fight. We are supposed to. It’s human nature and who better to learn life skills with than your family. I am thankful that we had a mother that made us respect each other until we learned to do it naturally. Let me give you an example of the torture my mother put us through:

Me: Grabbing a toy (any toy, it didn’t matter to me) that Heather had and running away with it.

Heather: Crying (she did that well) “Momma, Mandy taked my toy and won’t give it back!”

Me: “So, you’re a dummy head and I don’t like you! And I want this toy.”

Mom: “Mandy, come here.” Then she began her speech on how we don’t take things away, and how we don’t call names. “ Now, go to Heather and sit facing each other and hold hands. Now say what I say, “ Heather, you are not a dummy head. You are smart and I love you. I’m sorry I took your toy. I won’t do it again.”

If there was any sarcasm or hesitation in our words, we repeated them until it was genuine. Usually we were laughing before it was all over. I bet my mother did with us a million times. She never gave up. She never let us get away with it. She always gave us the right words to use and explained the proper way of being cooperative and respectful. She helped us build the siblings bonds even at a very young age. She knew that we would one day become the best of friends but not if she didn’t help foster it from birth. I can only imagine that my grandmother did this very same thing with her children.

The bonds of sisterhood are strong. We eventually made it past arguing over toys. Then it became arguing over clothes. Even through our arguing we learned to look out for each other too. Throughout our teen- age years, we all did our fair share of screwing up! I don’t know how my mother did it! We tested our boundaries and displayed the usual ridiculous adolescent behaviors. One instance that we have all gotten such a laugh over in the more recent years was no laughing matter when it took place several years ago.

My parents had gone out of town and trusted their daughters to behave. We’d never really given them any reason not to. They left instructions, gave us the parent speech and were on their way. My older sister, Trish was, I think , 17 at the time. She was driving so my parents left the keys to their car so we could get back and forth to school and things. Trish was in charge. She was always in charge! Now, we weren’t horrible children but we did take advantage of this situation. No parents- no school for us! We skipped school one day and drove out to Riverton where Nate, Trish’s boyfriend at the time (who is now her husband), lived. We had the day to ourselves. We decided to go for a good ole country drive. Our friend Kelly Masa was with us and she had a permit so we decided she should have some driving lessons! We took off on some country roads. There were no cars for miles and if you know Riverton you know that it’s a great place to drive forever on the dirt roads and not worry about who might see you. I seriously don’t remember exactly what happened that led to this but she veered off the road a little and didn’t know what to do. It had been raining so the gravel shoulder pulled us down into a ditch, full of mud. Both front tires were buried in the mud. I got in the driver’s seat because I was sure we could just pull right out of there. I turned the wheels and put it in reverse. It didn’t budge a bit. “Hmm, maybe if we pulled forward a little bit we’d get some better traction,” I told Kelli. So forward we went but not just a little bit. Now, all four tires were dug into the clay-like mud and it was seriously like quick sand! Well, that was a total failure. We were all terrified. How were we going to get that car out of that ditch and what if Mom and Dad found out!?

Thank God Riverton was full of farmers. Nate knew a guy with a hay baler. (I think that’s what it’s called). It was like a tractor but had forks on the front like a fork lift. So here he came down the road and we hooked the car up to the hay baler. Nate got in the driver’s seat and the guy began pulling it out. It was stuck!  It took a few tries but out it came full of sludgy mud. We were all so relieved! You know that moment when your adrenaline calms and you take that deep breath of victory? That was the feeling. Once it made it to the road it got some good traction and began moving a little faster, too fast actually. “STOP!” all of us yelled to him. But there was too much mud in the brakes. The next sound was one I will NEVER forget. EEEEeeeek! -metal puncturing metal. We all just stood watching with disbelief. What just happened? Really? We get the car out and are in the clear and now there’s a ginormous hole in the trunk. How could we hide or explain this one? We were dead. We knew it. All we could now was wait for the wrath of our parents. The only thing we could come up with was to at least wash all the mud off of it. So we drove up to the car wash spent several dollars and at least half an hour washing tons of mud down the drain. The drive home was silent and sobering.

Heather had stayed with her friend because our parents didn’t want us to have too much added responsibility (she was 12).  Probably a good idea.  We all still wondered what our explanation would be. We could come up with nothing! Eventually, this became our plan:

 Say nothing. If we get asked what happened to the car. WE DON’T KNOW. It wasn’t like that when we drove it last. Stick to it. NEVER tell.

So our parents came home. We were a nervous wreck waiting for their discovery of the hole in the car. First night came and went. Whew. Second night came and went. They hadn’t gone anywhere because they were exhausted from their trip. Well, day three was not so lucky. Dad went out to get something OUT OF THE TRUNK. Here it comes, we’re dead. He came in and immediately asked, “What happened to the trunk?” We told our lie, “What? We don’t know what you mean.” He took us out there and showed us. (like we hadn’t seen it before) We all acted shocked.  “What in the world could do something like this?” he kept asking. Well, by the grace of God (we thought), down the hill from us were some City of CJ utility workers. They had a truck load full of pipes. Our dad made a connection with the only thing that seemed rational. Those workers must have backed up into our car and didn’t have the nerve to come tell us. Yep that sounded wonderful. That was it. Those irresponsible city workers! He marched right up to City Hall and told them what “happened”. They of course denied that this happened. My dad was furious. He filed a claim on his insurance and eventually the trunk was fixed. We were so grateful for the crew that never knew how that hole got in that crazy man’s trunk. They saved us. Every time my parents told that story to a friend Trish and I would just give each other that look. You know the one, right? It’s that one that best friends give you to say “ I’ve got your back. Stay cool. Don’t cave.” It’s a sister thing.

So just a few years ago, at my thirtieth birthday party (YES, a few years ago, not many) we were reminiscing, sitting around the bonfire, and I decided enough time had past. I told Trish, “I’m gonna come clean now, about the car!” Even though several years had past she panicked, “NO, are you crazy?!” I wasn’t crazy, it’s just that so much life had happened and such bigger things that we’d all been through together that it seemed like the hole in trunk was minuscule at this point. I began and Trish chimed in and before long we were all laughing hysterically. My parents were shocked that this was the real story. Heather was oblivious to most of this because we didn’t trust her to keep her mouth shut at twelve! So she was cracking up too.

Is there a moral to this story? I don’t know. Sisters stick together, maybe? Don’t over trust your teenagers? I think for me it’s this:

Families bond through the good times, the hard times, the lies, the truths, the sorrows, and the blame games. Families learn to believe each other, look out for each other, forgive each other and laugh about life together.

We were not perfect teenagers. And I don’t have perfect teenagers! They are learning. They will screw up. Sometimes I will know about it and sometimes I won’t. They will make hard decisions on their own without coming to me for advice and sometimes it will work out and sometimes it won’t. But, they can count on me. Just like we could count on our parents. And one day they will be able to share with me about some hair-brained misfortune they faced, handled and locked away for a lifetime – or several years anyway.

 

Oh, If you are reading this blog and you worked for the City of Carl Junction back in 1990, THANK YOU for being in the wrong place at the wrong time for you, but in the right place at the right time for two scared teen age girls that didn’t want to face their daddy.

 

Beauty for Ashes

“Just give me my space. I don’t want to see you for a while.”

“How long is a while?”

“I don’t know…

Days passed. Then weeks. Then months. No phone calls were answered. We did not spend any time together. What I thought was just a cooling off period slowly became the ruin of our relationship. Was this my marriage? No. It was my mother/daughter relationship with my first -born.

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I was a terrified, fifteen -year old; a baby myself. God had mercy on me. The pregnancy was a breeze and although I’d heard horror stories about childbirth, my experience was far from horrifying. It was not easy by any means, but again God came to my rescue and lightened the fear and the pain and a beautiful baby girl came into my life with a gorgeous head full of coal black hair! I remember it like it was literally yesterday. The waiting room was FULL of people waiting to catch a glimpse of this little bundle of joy. One of the nurses asked my mom what it would take for some of these guests to clear out of the hospital. She told her if they would just hold her up to window they’d be happy! So they did. Her cute little bow in her hair, tiny pink face and fat cheeks, and her precious little fingers and toes! It was 11:30 pm by this time and finally the waiting room began to empty.

She drew attention everywhere we went from that day forward. She was brilliantly smart, funny, confident, and when she spoke her voice was like Minnie Mouse. She was tiny and adorable, and she knew it. We would be the best of friends. I was going to be the best mom ever! I’d never let her down. We’d share in her first love, her first dance, and her first heartbreak. I’d always be there for her.

So what happened? How did we get here? She was fourteen and living with her dad. I’d already adjusted to the visitation schedule and tried to pretend like things hadn’t changed too much. But they had. It was killing me. I woke up most mornings wishing I could see her face and tell her good morning but she wasn’t there. I had a difficult time enjoying family time with my other children because she wasn’t with us to share it. I hated dropping her off at the end of our time together. The entire drive home I usually cried. My thoughts were, “It isn’t suppose to be this way. This isn’t how I pictured things. I miss her. Moms aren’t supposed to go six or seven days without seeing their children. But she is happy. She made this decision and I supported it. It is for her benefit. I will trust that God has a plan.”

Then the storm hit. We had an argument, she voiced her opinion, I voiced mine, she took off walking saying she was never coming back. The details of this are not important. It was not the real reason our life as we knew it shattered. There were several reasons. The truth of the matter is when life is spiraling out of control, relationships suffer. Damage is done. Then, no matter what you try to do once that happens, the reconciliation does not take place until both people have sorted through their baggage, removed the unneeded garbage, forgiven one another and then accepted the new relationship. How long does it take? Well, for Heaven and I, it has taken a long, excruciating, life changing, question asking, God doubting, tear filled, seven years! There were days that I prayed for God to heal her heart and days that I prayed for God to heal mine. I didn’t know what to do. I had failed, miserably. After several attempts to relive the past and somehow figure out how to fix this mess, I eventually gave it to God and just poured my heart out to him in prayer daily. I believed whole-heartedly that he would one day mend the heart of my daughter and restore our bond. I knew this deep in my heart, but there were days that I could not withstand the pain and I was just angry. Angry at God, myself, her, the situations in my past. Just angry. I never gave up hope, but I did come to terms with the reality that she was not part of my everyday life and I’d missed so much of hers that it left an enormous emptiness in the core of my being. I had been forever changed, and I felt it. I was incomplete without the relationship of my daughter.  Not only did I feel this void, I knew she too was experiencing the same void and that killed me.

I prayed that God would work on our hearts, mend them, heal them, restore us and reconcile our relationship in His time and in His way. This does not mean that I didn’t keep attempting to heal it my way. I tried- she pulled away. I tried again she closed off from me. I tried again- she became angry with me. I felt defeated, rejected, and finally believed in my heart as well as my mind that I could do nothing besides pray so that’s what I did. I prayed without ceasing.

About a year ago, small windows of opportunity presented themselves at Holidays, family BBQ’s at Nanny’s, birthday parties of my other children and slowly but steadily God began his miracle! It was nothing like I had pictured in my head, but it was God’s handiwork, not mine.

About a month ago, my daughter was on her way to Nanny’s (my mom) where I was visiting with our foster children. She had sent me a text earlier that day asking if I’d be home because she was close to Republic visiting a friend and wanted to stop by. Ironically, I had headed to Joplin because our foster children had a visit with their bio-mom. She decided to stop by and visit with me at Nanny’s before she headed on home to Baxter. I don’t have any reception on my phone there because my mother lives in the middle of a no-tower zone to every cell phone provider in the world! Anyhow, my mom’s phone rang and I saw that it was her so I answered it.

Me: Hey! Where are you?!

Her: Dang it, woman. Why haven’t you been answering your phone? I need to talk to you.

Me: I have no reception here, you know that. Why?

Her: Mom, I just drove up on this horrible car accident. It was literally right in front of me. It was bad. A car was driving right down I-44 in the wrong lane! It hit another car. The one vehicle had just the driver with no passengers and when I left, they were still trying to get her out. I don’t think she made it. And the other car that she hit was a whole family. It was awful, Mom. Something just took over in me though, and I immediately got out and started helping while they were waiting on the emergency teams to get there. There was blood everywhere and Mom, I’m sure there were children involved. I’m so shaken up right now and I just needed to talk to you.

Me: Oh, sis. How awful. I’m so glad you were protected and so thankful you are okay. I will pray for that situation and for all the people involved. Calm down and just get to Nanny’s safe.

Some of you reading this may make the connection that the wreck she witnessed was the Washburn family and they continue to be in my prayers. My mind has had a very difficult time processing the loss and suffering this family has undergone and will continue to experience. May God heal them both physically and emotionally.

She came in the door a few minutes later still shaking like a leaf. I’m sure her adrenaline was still on overload! Her hands were bloody, and her face was a little pale. I just hugged her tight and let her talk for a while. Nanny got her some food (that’s what Nanny’s do). She’d been having some thoughts about going into the medical field and I let her know that God was probably sending her a message today that she is called to this profession and her kicking in during this crisis doesn’t happen to everyone. She will make a great doctor!

 The point of this ending to my story is this. Although my thoughts were racing about the outcome of this accident and I was trying to imagine how this car full of people would cope with this tragedy (still not even knowing the details) I had a sense of relief and gratefulness in my heart too. See, there was a time that my daughter would have experienced this and I would have been the last person on her mind to call for comfort and reassurance. But this day, by the power of modern day miracles, she called her momma. She may not even realize the impact that made in my life or the glory she gave to God in that moment that she frantically spoke those words, “Woman, why aren’t you answering your phone? I need to talk to you.” That was music to my ears. The child that once cried in pain, anger, resentment, and brokenness, “Just give me my space. I don’t want to see you right now”, just welcomed me back into her heart, her thoughts, and included me in her everyday life.

Last week Heaven and I attended the Embrace the Journey Women’s Conference at Destiny Church. My life has been forever changed since that 12- hour day! We; as mother and daughter, learned, laughed, cried, forgave, embraced, and prayed for each other in a way I never thought would be possible just a few short years ago. God is a miracle worker. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. His love is unfailing and he is the ultimate restorer of broken relationships. The way He has chosen to bring this child back to me and me back to her is flawless. He is good. My heart that once was broken and longed for the child I “lost” has now been mended completely by the Father. Thank you God for forgiveness and second chances. In the book of Isaiah, God said he would give me beauty for ashes. That is what our relationship once became, ashes. God knew that we would be burnt by life’s messes and failed relationships.  But he also knew that he could replace that burnt mess of ashes with something more beautiful!

Heaven, I love you and I thank God for our relationship. I thank God for his perfect model of true love.

~ HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY to all~

 

My Journey- Where I’m Headed

Does anyone know someone that just always knew what they were going to do with their life? You know, that person that just had a plan, prepared accordingly and just accomplished it? I know some of those people and quite frankly I cannot stand them! But in a loving way. The world needs them, but why did it seem so easy for them? I don’t have the answer to that and I won’t ever take the time to research it or ask the “perfect life planner” people. So, it’s mainly rhetorical! However, I shared that to say this I still don’t know exactly what I want to be when I grow up!

I know what it has to do with but I am in the middle of the process watching it all unfold in God’s due time. I can completely relate to the caterpillar that isn’t admired by any means, it has a million (not really) legs but it takes FOREVER to get somewhere, it spends most of its time preparing for the cocoon, not knowing what to expect when the chrysalis is finally split open. I think my chrysalis is beginning to split. Now, I realize that technically speaking, the butterfly that emerges from that process only lives about two to three weeks! I will pray that my life span as a butterfly is blessed well beyond that!

I have been being prepared for so long that it must be ginormous! The cultivating that has taken place has been painful, drastic, eye-opening, humbling, and character building! God must have needed to do a total makeover! I’m sure that my little detours have altered his path a few times but he has never left me or changed his will for my life.

Career specialists will tell you to pursue a career path that lines up with your talents and passions. So, here lately my husband and I have been attempting to do just that. Where does our heart lie? We are compassionate about making a difference in the lives of hurting families. We have lived through some diverse family dynamics, both apart before we ever knew each other and since we have been a family together. Foster parenting has helped us greatly understand a whole new form of parenting advocating for the children, and a new- found respect for foster parents in general.

There are several areas that case management teams have assisted us with throughout our journey as foster parents. Still other needs have been met by organizations that are simply out there striving to make a difference. Sammy’s Window is a great example! A generous, God-led man had an idea that families that have been called to foster parent just might need a little more than the agencies are capable of helping them with. He has an amazing outreach that supplies a well put together clothing shop, toys, books, and hygiene items all FREE and in good condition for the whole family! I have visited him often.

This got my mind reeling. What if? Could I do that but more? Clothing, shoes, toys, books, etc. but also provide free haircuts, make-up, room décor/accessories, community family support meetings , play dates for the children in care. What about helping the entire family by having a place to offer the supervised visits, counseling services, a computer room for job searches or resume writing/applications.  Not only could this cater to the foster families but what about the families in need of a hand up instead of a hand out? What if a few took advantage of the opportunity and services and actually changed their situation for the better? I realize that not every family is reunified but what if the services were biblically based, followed up on, and held the parent/parents personally accountable? Hmmm… My ideas have not quit. I have had trouble sleeping! It seems big, really BIG. But this is where my heart is, this is my passion.

I still don’t have a complete view of this picture and I have no idea how to begin something like this. But, I know God has it worked out. The location, the financial means, the volunteers, the families, all of it down to every detail. He’s good like that. Now, all I have to do is listen to Him and go where He says. I’ve learned something during my time in the chrysalis, unlike the caterpillar, I have a choice to continue to stay in here where it’s warm, familiar, and comfortable or split that cocoon open, spread my new wings, and fly to the destination that God has called me to. His plan will be carried out by someone- and I want that someone to be ME. Let’s roll, God.

My Journey: Where I’ve Come From, The Present, and Where I’m Headed….and it’s all GOOD!